The Gift of Feeling - extract from personal journal

Note: This is an entry from my personal journal, edited to remove specific names for privacy. I'm not sure why, but I felt compelled to share.

I read a quote today that helped me put words to what I've been experiencing lately:

June 2024 has come to an end, and with it, the end of a cycle I never thought I'd exit.

Lately, life feels like a constant breeze caressing my skin... enveloping me in wonder, contentment, and peace. It reminds me of the child inside, reminding me of the Penelope inside that has been screaming, voicelessly, to escape the dark void I stuck her in.

In 2018, I closed the doors to anything positive, to hope. I was numb, angry, sad, empty. I was selfish and jaded, not a great human at all. Truly just a shell of whatever existed before.

For a very long time, I blamed one particular person for this. I blamed that person for making me feel like I was deleted from existence, for losing myself, for losing the life I fought to build, for losing the life I imagined I would have. I blamed him for reckless financial decisions I made, for reckless life decisions. I blamed him for losing my ability to pour positivity into others, to inspire, to teach. I blamed him for everything I was scared to take responsibility for... and yes, although he may have been the catalyst, I was my own personal sulphuric acid. And finally, I can admit it to myself.

It took five years before I started to see the light, to begin to taste fresh air re-entering and finally circulating through my body. Four of those years sucked. Four years of emptiness, of hating the world and making everyone else the bad guy. One and a half years to muster the courage to allow myself to feel all the feelings that were so tightly locked away. And then, voilà! In the last six months, I can feel it all coming together. I can finally feel music again, feel the grains of sand between my toes, feel laughter bubbling through my body from the simplest joys. Lately, I feel like shouting through the rooftops, "I'm back!!!" and the future has never felt so exciting.

Not because I have any huge external goals I want to achieve; on the contrary, for the first time in my life, I don't actually have any. For the first time, I choose to be devoted, not motivated, and I can relax into the comfort of having absolutely no idea what's to come and look forward to using these new tools I've accumulated to help me find ways to skate through all the cracks and pebbles, fully aware that I'm going to fall on my ass many times along the way.

I'm not sure whether I'll ever be able to right my wrongs with the two particular people I hurt along the way, but I will do my best to not bleed onto others in the future.

And right now, in this overwhelming feeling of gratitude, I cannot imagine life without my anchors: my mom, who would find a way to make a joke of it anyway; my brother and cousins who gave me a safe space, a space full of love to just be without expectations; my dad who protected me and kept me afloat when I had nothing to give society; my old friends who stuck with me patiently, holding my hand without the need for words; and newer friends who slowly helped break down the barriers.

These last couple of days, my body has been tingling with peace, satisfaction, and wonder, and I don't plan on letting go of that feeling anytime soon. I never thought the dark would fade, but as I sit here and reflect, I finally agree that the only way out is through.

Dear God, dear Mother Nature, dear ancestors, dear self, THANK YOU.